Recently I've had a change of perspective... I know it has nothing to do with me or anything I've done. It's all completely this amazing gift I've gotten.
I tend to be a fairly high-strung, high-stress person when it comes to school, my career, etc. etc. etc.... This being said, this semester is far more stressful than any I've had yet in the last 18 1/2 years of school. :) I've been dreading this semester since the day in high school I decided that I wanted to go to medical school....OK maybe not then, but at least since the day I found out there were three steps to the medical licensing boards and that step one is like the MCAT (admissions test for med school) on some serious crack (my own "eloquent" words).
I know what's ahead of me this semester...I've got to make it through renal and some of the toughest pathology we've ever had, I've got to pass endocrine, reproductive and integrative and learn them well, I have the COMLEX and USMLE (step one of the D.O. and M.D. boards respectively) in about 5 months (and I need to do well on these if I want to get a competitive residency), I have summer classes and all of the cumulative finals for the first two years to pass, I have to tutor, teach CPR, fulfill my AMA officer duties, attend conferences, attend Kaplan classes, attend regular classes, and do the thousand other tiny little things that fill each day. I have to do all of this in more in the short 24 hours I'm given each day and do well so that I can succeed in what I feel I'm supposed to be doing.
I'm always two steps ahead of where I'm currently at...working through all of the scenarios in my head of what could happen if I get low scores on the boards, what happens if I don't get enough studying done before the most recent test, etc.....I stress over things that haven't even happened yet! In short, I'm the world's largest control-freak...I always have been, but I'm trying to get better!
What's weird (in a good way) is lately it's been different. I've had this peace that makes no sense to me, but I love it....Whenever I start to get stressed out, there's this small voice that whispers just what I need to hear at that moment...It's been happening a lot lately.
--I'm planning the dates that I'll be taking the USMLE and COMLEX, which would be stressful because now it puts a definite time constraint on how long I have left to study...and still there's this peace.
--I'm starting my Kaplan Board Prep class this weekend (20 hours of Biochem in three days!) which freaks me out...and still, there's this peace.
--I'm studying for the renal pathology practical which has SO much information and is a lot more difficult than most of what we've seen in pathology so far; I've got hours on hours ahead of me worth of studying in the next 1 1/2 days...and still there's this peace.
--I've got the renal final exam on Friday that's the day after the path practical; there's a lot of difficult lectures on there...and still there's this peace.
--Some plans of mine didn't work out that I was really looking forward too...and still there's this amazing peace!
--I have this gigantic fear of failure that looms over so many things I do in life and it's trying to raise it's gigantic head in more ways than one this semester....and above all that I have this peace.
--Life hasn't stopped throwing curveballs at me just because I'm busy with school; there's relational problems, emotional drama, conflict inside of me over who I am...and even when dealing with all of this, there's a peace.
Life is unpredictable, stressful, fast-paced, draining, and so many other things so much of the time, but through everything that's been happening lately, I've been blessed with a peace. I'm not always taking the time to realize that it's there, but I'm working on it. I'm not running from situations that I should be dealing with, but through all of the stress and exhaustion of life, I still feel like I'm getting a chance to rest and breathe each day...
Just thought I'd share these amazing moments with you guys!
"My grace is enough for you...my strength is made perfect in weakness."
1 comment:
I am so excited you finally found your "place" of peace. I gotta say God is pretty cool! He has the silent strength that is overwhelming - I'm so happy you finally made it to a peaceful spot :)
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