Dove Wrapper...

Today when I was tutoring, one of the girls gave me a Dove Dark Chocolate (yumm) and I had to laugh at loud at what it said inside.

"Smile. People will wonder what you've been up to."

Hilarious...

OK, this has to be the dumbest thing I've ever seen, but I'm still laughing at this video. The only reason I think it's so funny is because I get so much of it! :) Funny med students...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojjUGE2BH_E

Are we there yet?

Sometimes there are days where things go so horribly wrong and not even close to plan that all you can do is laugh...today was one of those days.

After lectures this morning, we had Score One (our clinicals at local schools where we do physicals, etc.)

I got to the student lounge around noon, since our bus was scheduled to leave at 12:20 to sign in and pick up my attendance card. The rest of my group started to slowly show up. As I was sitting there checking email and whatnot, all of a sudden we hear, "If you're going to Stoney Brook you need to be on the bus NOW!" I looked at my watch and it was only a little after noon. Most of my group was there and so we hurried outside (it's freezing here by the way...has nothing to do with the story, but it is SO COLD!). We get outside where the bus SHOULD be and see nothing....Umm....where's this bus we're supposed to be on?

Evidently, it wasn't here yet....joy. I'll just stand out here and count the number of digits I'm losing to frostbite...no worries. Our bus quickly shows up and we get on....only to realize that only aout 8 of us are here....where's the rest of our group?

Long story short, evidently there were about 6 groups that were supposed to be on this bus, but it hadn't been written on our schedule. Most of the people were originally scheduled to be on buses that left at 12:45 and this bus was scheduled to leave the school at noon....SO...we sat there and laughed and talked about how unorganized this has all been.

And then it happened....someone had to say it..."Well, at least it can't get much worse than this." You NEVER say that! It's like saying "It must be a slow night!" at the ER....this is like the beacon for crap to just come in and dump on you....

Once the bus finally left at 1pm (we were supposed to be at the school and already working at this point) we were on the road...on the way to the school our bus-driver got lost and had to turn around. I start laughing, at this point because we're going to be so incredibly late and more things start happening. Well, we get to the school where we're supposed to be and get off the bus and walk in. When we get inside the office workers are completely confused as to why a group of med students are in their school....they told us they didn't have Score 1 scheduled for today. WE WERE DROPPED OFF AT THE WRONG SCHOOL!!! Not a problem....oh wait our bus already left. Nancy goes running out of the school and chases the bus down (how she accomplishes this I don't know) and we all get BACK ON the bus.

We get lost AGAIN on the way to the new school and stop twice to turn around. Finally we make it to the right school and head in. At this point we're an hour late and SO behind. Thankfully things went a little smoother after that, but I just had to laugh at all it took to get there! :)

Well, I'm off to an exciting night of studying...just thought I'd share my laughs for the day!

Distance...

"The distance is nothing...it's only the first step that's difficult."

I heard this quote the other day and I've been thinking about it a lot. Distance can be a good thing or a bad thing. A lot of it depends on your perspective.

Last year, distance was practically killing me at this point...distance from my friends, distance from my family, distance from a life with a lot less stress. I spent a lot of days wishing I could be back where I was a year before that. I was in my last year of college, I didn't have too many committments, and I spent most of my spare time with friends that I loved. A year ago I hated distance. It felt like it was my worst enemy; it was this thing that had camped out in my life for an indefinite period of time, doing its best to make sure I was miserable.

One short year later, things are very different. I'm not so upset with the distance...in fact, in a way, I'm kind of liking it. While it's still hard to be away from friends and people I love, I'm realizing that distance isn't all bad. It brings a few things with it that I had never thought to look for before.

For one, distance gives amazing perspective. Things that seem so huge, unbearable and important from a close view, are pretty menial and unimportant from a distance. Distance gives the opportunity to step back from a situation and just look at it objectively...so many of the emotions, thoughts and stresses that are wrapped up in the moment are gone and you can just look clearly at the facts. I've been able to look honestly at how I've acted in situations and also look honestly at how others have acted in situations. My judgement is no longer clouded by thoughts of "what if?" or "what were they thinking when they said this?" or the thousands of other questions that only muddy up any attempt at making a clear decision. I've got a lot more answers now to questions I could have never answered when the situations were right in front of my face.

Distance also gives a chance to evaluate how far you've come. In looking back at situations that had me confused and stressed for so long, I am able to see that I am not (and I don't want to be) the person I was before...therefore I don't want the same situation anymore in my life. Distance has been forced in my life and I know it's for a reason...I know I have to focus on what's going on at this moment in my life and give up the past. One thing about the past is that no matter what has happened, it's all come together to bring me to where I am right now... It's been too easy before to see the past as better than it was but distance has helped me to realize things for what they really were... There were things that I once thought were so important in my life that I've come to realize were only distracting me from what I'm supposed to be. I've come a long way from where I was just a few short years ago...there were some hiccups along the way, but I'm moving on and letting go. There are things ahead of me that are too important to sacrifice because I'm unwilling to let go of the past.

Distance also gives a little freedom. There's a part of me that loves to run...not just literally but emotionally as well. As soon as I get scared or uncomfortable in a situation, I'm notorious for just taking off. :) Not necessarily the best quality, but in forced distance sometimes it's a nice little gift to not have to face daily some of the situations that you'd rather not have to deal with at that moment. I know one day I'll have to face things I've run from (and some I'm currently running from), but for now, I'm growing, learning, and getting the lessons learned that I need to before I can face certain things...

My whole concept of distance has changed...it's no longer an enemy but almost a friend in some ways. It's forced me to grow up and move on and also given me perspective on what's behind me. Sometimes the things that you need the most are the things you fight the most when they start to happen...you never know what you might learn from the things that at first seem the worst in your life.

"You won't realize the distance you've walked until you take a look around and realize how far you've been."

My brain...the etch-a-sketch...

So we had an EKG review two days ago that I went to. It was put on by the cardiology club which I'm in and it was a combination review for the first years who are about to have their Cardiopulmonary final exam, and a review for the second years who have boards coming up and haven't looked at these things since then!

I came to the quick realization during that review that I have forgotten just about everything from first year and am completely in trouble for the boards. :) Not really...it's just amazing how easy some things could be to understand last year and now I barely remember them this year!

My theory is that my brain's more like an etch-a-sketch, and somewhere in the last year all of the running, and movement and everything else caused all useful information to just fall out of my head...So I just have to stay really still until boards are over and I should be OK. :)

Fish out of water

I've been making more of an effort this semester to get back to the gym. Last year I was really great at going to the gym about 3-4 times a week and staying in shape. This last semester, with tutoring, classes, clinicals, and a thousand other things, working out was one of the things I just let fall to the side in my attempt to keep up with everything.

Since I had basically stopped working out I just didn't feel as well as I usually do. I was getting sick more often, having a few health problems that I used to have that had just gone away, and was more tired than I used to be (not to mention that I just don't like being "squishy!") :) I know this semester is busier than any I've had yet but I knew with all I'm going through I had to have some sense of normalcy back in my life.

Today at the gym, it was my "off day" for running and such so it meant that I only ran a few miles, did some crunches and then it was into the pool. I haven't been in the water since the beginning of last semester and I really missed it. I can't remember a time in my life where I wasn't in the water. I have always been a swimmer, and it's always been a part of my life up until the end of college. I got back into my swimming workouts last year, but like I said, they'd fallen off since last semester. While I was kind of upset with myself today when I was swimming at the amount of endurance I'd lost, it was just great to be back in the water. I'm never confident that I know what I'm doing at the gym (which is why I'm constantly asking my brother what I should be doing!) but when I get in the water it's like I'm at home...I know what to do. I have it all planned out and all I have to do is just dive in and go.

The other thing that I love about it is that (obviously) since you're in the water, you can't have any headphones on, any books in front of me to study (yes, I studied biochem today while running) or any other distractions. It's just me and the repetitive kick, kick, stroke, kick, kick....etc. It gives me a lot of time to think.

After finally getting back in the water today, I feel so much better. It's not just a physical thing, but mentally I finally feel like I've had a chance to breathe, step back and focus on something other than school. It was great!

Ok, speaking of school, I've got to get back to some board studying...

I've got style...

So, I don't know if I wrote anything about this on here, but last week while I was helping out as an Ambassador for an interview day at school, I lost my winter coat. It's really unfortunate because the day I lost it was the last day of above-freezing weather that we had....I think an interviewee probably mistook it for theirs so for all I know it could be in Pennsylvania by now...

Well, in an effort to help me stay warm, a few of my friends have been looking out for me and offering their help and support. :) Hehehe....Stephanie offered to "cuddle for warmth" if I needed, and I've gotten all sorts of other offers for help! :) My favorite came in an email from Jessica this morning. She found me this "interesting" coat on EBay that I could get to replace my old one....I guess good things do come out of bad situations! Let me know what you think...is it me??

To make it complete though, I'd probably have to accessorize with this..

Setting the date(s)...

I finally did it...I dropped a little over $900 dollars registering for the USMLE (United States Medical Licensing Exam) Step 1, and the COMLEX (College of Osteopathic Medicine Licensing Examination) Step 1. I knew this was all coming but now that I have at least one definite test date and I'll soon find out about the USMLE I've really got to ramp up my studying for this thing!

So...if you at all think of it, PLEASE be thinking of me on the following date as I take the COMLEX-Step 1.....

May 29th, 2007, 9:00am (CST)--4:00pm...

Ready or not....here I come!

Prayers...

I just found out tonight that a college professor of mine has been missing since January 5th...while we didn't always exactly see eye to eye, this has to be a horrible time for his wife and family. Please pray for his family in this time and that they might find him safe...Thanks guys...
http://www.southbendtribune.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070116/News01/70116017

Blessed with peace...

Recently I've had a change of perspective... I know it has nothing to do with me or anything I've done. It's all completely this amazing gift I've gotten.

I tend to be a fairly high-strung, high-stress person when it comes to school, my career, etc. etc. etc.... This being said, this semester is far more stressful than any I've had yet in the last 18 1/2 years of school. :) I've been dreading this semester since the day in high school I decided that I wanted to go to medical school....OK maybe not then, but at least since the day I found out there were three steps to the medical licensing boards and that step one is like the MCAT (admissions test for med school) on some serious crack (my own "eloquent" words).

I know what's ahead of me this semester...I've got to make it through renal and some of the toughest pathology we've ever had, I've got to pass endocrine, reproductive and integrative and learn them well, I have the COMLEX and USMLE (step one of the D.O. and M.D. boards respectively) in about 5 months (and I need to do well on these if I want to get a competitive residency), I have summer classes and all of the cumulative finals for the first two years to pass, I have to tutor, teach CPR, fulfill my AMA officer duties, attend conferences, attend Kaplan classes, attend regular classes, and do the thousand other tiny little things that fill each day. I have to do all of this in more in the short 24 hours I'm given each day and do well so that I can succeed in what I feel I'm supposed to be doing.

I'm always two steps ahead of where I'm currently at...working through all of the scenarios in my head of what could happen if I get low scores on the boards, what happens if I don't get enough studying done before the most recent test, etc.....I stress over things that haven't even happened yet! In short, I'm the world's largest control-freak...I always have been, but I'm trying to get better!

What's weird (in a good way) is lately it's been different. I've had this peace that makes no sense to me, but I love it....Whenever I start to get stressed out, there's this small voice that whispers just what I need to hear at that moment...It's been happening a lot lately.

--I'm planning the dates that I'll be taking the USMLE and COMLEX, which would be stressful because now it puts a definite time constraint on how long I have left to study...and still there's this peace.

--I'm starting my Kaplan Board Prep class this weekend (20 hours of Biochem in three days!) which freaks me out...and still, there's this peace.

--I'm studying for the renal pathology practical which has SO much information and is a lot more difficult than most of what we've seen in pathology so far; I've got hours on hours ahead of me worth of studying in the next 1 1/2 days...and still there's this peace.

--I've got the renal final exam on Friday that's the day after the path practical; there's a lot of difficult lectures on there...and still there's this peace.

--Some plans of mine didn't work out that I was really looking forward too...and still there's this amazing peace!

--I have this gigantic fear of failure that looms over so many things I do in life and it's trying to raise it's gigantic head in more ways than one this semester....and above all that I have this peace.

--Life hasn't stopped throwing curveballs at me just because I'm busy with school; there's relational problems, emotional drama, conflict inside of me over who I am...and even when dealing with all of this, there's a peace.

Life is unpredictable, stressful, fast-paced, draining, and so many other things so much of the time, but through everything that's been happening lately, I've been blessed with a peace. I'm not always taking the time to realize that it's there, but I'm working on it. I'm not running from situations that I should be dealing with, but through all of the stress and exhaustion of life, I still feel like I'm getting a chance to rest and breathe each day...

Just thought I'd share these amazing moments with you guys!

"My grace is enough for you...my strength is made perfect in weakness."

Gentle reminder...

There are certain times that you just know that God is trying to tell you something...something you really need to hear. This morning I was reading and I came across this passage, and in more ways than one, I needed to be reminded of it again...

Matthew 6:25-34
25 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
28 "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (TNIV)

The kidney is my enemy...

This is how renal makes me feel....Grr....A whole weekend of studying and still I'll be spending my "day off" studying for this "quiz" on Tuesday!! Thankfully we're in the last week....the kidney is beating me down.... :) 4 more days!!

Today I'm thankful for..

There are a ton of people who daily make a difference in my life, and one of them is my brother. The picture above is of my brother, sister, and I from my sister's wedding this last summer.

Yesterday I was reminded again how lucky I am to have a brother like I do. Not only does he let me live in his house with him for pretty dirt-cheap :) but he does so many other things for me too. He always calls if he's at the store to see if I need anything, he's helped me countless times when my car has stopped working (again), and he's always there for me.

Growing up, we had a typical older brother/little sister relationship. Not only was he bigger than me (so I was basically a toy to him and my older sister) I believed everything the boy told me! Whether it was that there were snakes that lived in the toilet (which made me afraid to ever go to the bathroom) or that you didn't have to stop at stop signs without white lines around the edges, it didn't matter what age I was...I usually believed everything he said.

For the last 23+ years of my life he's put up with me barging in when he's hanging out with friends, bumming rides from him when I was too young to drive, all the little sarcastic remarks I make daily (although he's a lot better at that than I am!), and now he puts up with living with me....voluntarily!

Last night we went out to get some Chinese food and just hang out. I love the times when I just get to spend time with my brother and talk. We laugh a lot and I always end up leaving realizing just how lucky I am to have some of the relationships that I do with my family members. Sure, we're not the most functional family on the face of the planet, but at least we can laugh at ourselves! :) Last night we had some really great conversations. We've come a lot farther in our relationship since we've lived together for the last year and a half. It used to be that we would just see each other on breaks from school when the whole family was home. Now that we see each other everyday, we talk about a lot more things. We got to talking about relationships last night, and we had a conversation I never thought I would have with my brother. It was great getting a guy's perspective on some things, and great hearing about his life too. And of course, like every time we get to spend time together, the night had more than one time I was laughing so hard I was crying because of what we were talking about.

It was one of those great nights where for a few hours you can just step out of whatever craziness is going on in your life and just connect with someone who is truly one of your greatest friends...I'm just lucky that he's my brother! (Now if only I could find him a nice girl.... :) ) hehehe

Head over heels...

...but not in a good way!

Today truly was the "pickle on the crap sandwich that was my week." :) It's just been one of those rough weeks that feels like it takes forever to get through and nothing could go right. Oh well, we all have those weeks, but I'm just glad it's mostly over!

It was a rough week for a lot of reasons...I feel way behind in studying because I've been trying to prep for tutoring the first years that I do, so a lot of my studying has fallen by the side.

On top of that, yesterday I had to work as an Ambassador for a prospective student interview day. It was pretty nice outside, so while I was taking people to their interviews, I left my coat in the student lounge. When I finally got back to get it, there was still a black pea coat there, but it wasn't mine! I sent out an email to the student body, but nothing has turned up yet. I think that probably a prospective student picked mine up by mistake, so for all I know it could be in Texas by now! :-p....

On top of all this, we've been having a lot of schedule changes, lecture cancellations, lecture reschedulings, etc. etc. etc....It's been a rough section so far, and this week was enough to make all of us almost explode!

Well, back to my "today being the pickle on the crap sandwich." This morning at school, in between classes I was going to walk over to the study hall and sign up for a room over my lunch break so I could at least be a little productive in between class and tutoring. I didn't know that in the last two hours I had been in lecture, that it had iced up and as I walked out the door, my feet completely slipped out from underneath me and I landed straight on my tailbone and back! Ouch!

Needless to say, since then I've been hobbling around like an old person, and VERY gingerly sitting down! Matt tried to help me out and work on me a little this afternoon. It helped some, but (for lack of a better way of saying it!), my butt is still killing me! I'm hoping I just bruised my tailbone pretty badly...It's that dull ache that comes with bone pain so I know it's my tailbone.

All I could think of when I fell was, "I don't want to have to get a butt donut!" and "Uh oh...I know how they have to treat a broken coccyx...." I'll spare you the details, but just trust me on this one...you don't want to have to ever find out. :)

Thankfully I can stay in my house and study my little heart out for the next few days and I don't even have to brave this icy weather we're having if I don't want to. Right now that's sounding like a fantastic option to me!

"At the end of the day, I'd rather be disliked for who I am than liked for who I'm not."

Thanks for the great (and much-needed) quote Jeanna! Love you!

Confessions of an adrenaline junkie...

OK, before I even start this post, I'm going to warn you that it's going to contain A LOT of "medical-ese" as I like to call it. Basically, I'm going to start speaking the great foreign language known as hospital-talk and I'm not going to take the time to explain it because I'm sure most of you just don't care. I think you'll get the point of the story anyway.

I'll admit, today I was just plain in a bad mood. I hadn't woken up all that great (see previous post), and I was tired, had a headache, dizzy, shaky, nauseated, etc. etc. etc....So much so that I snapped a little at Matt today (who is the sweetest) and then had to apologize repeatedly for the rest of the day because I felt so badly!

It was a long morning of lectures and finding out more bad news about our schedule, none of which was helping to improve my mood. I was trying hard, but feeling worse by the hour, and just wanting to go home.

Well, I didn't have the option of going home today because this afternoon we had patient simulators. Usually I like getting to work on the simulators, but because of some communication problems and just generally not feeling well, I just wanted to go home. I'm glad they're not optional because I had a much needed, "this is why I'm here!" moment today.

Before I headed over to my time at the simulator, Matt worked on me a little bit and helped to rid most of the headache I've been fighting for about a week and a half now. That immediately helped me to focus more which was great. Basically, in the simulators today, we went in in groups of about 5 and had to interview and do a physical exam on two of the simulators.

Now the interview is a little weird with the simulators, because you're basically talking to a doll; a very high-tech doll that costs more than I do (wait that came out REALLY wrong...) but a doll nonetheless. There's a prof on the other side of a mirror/window thing that voices the simulator, but still they lay there...(although they do breathe, the chest moves, you can hear lung sounds, heart sounds, feel pulses, etc....pretty cool!)

The first one was pretty low key; she was having an arrhythmia problem but it was due to hypokalemia (low potassium) due to vomiting and probable peptic ulcer (at least that's the best we could figure)...nothing too urgent (well, if it was a real patient it would be, but she wasn't like coding at that moment before our eyes).

The next patient was a different story....this is where I got excited. We walked in and immediately you could hear the monitors going off with all sorts of bells and alarms. I was immediately perked up, due to the couple of years I spent in the ER. I quickly checked out the monitor, and got a little more excited (not in a happy sort of a way, but in a "Oh crap, those numbers can't mean anything good" sort of way). I introduced myself to the patient (which is weird introducing yourself to a doll) and started asking questions.

The history went a little like this (this is the short version)....(imagine all this interspaced with quick difficult breaths)..."I started having difficulty breathing and pressure in my chest all of a sudden (warning bell sounds in my head) about 30 minutes ago." Me: What brought this on? Patient (Pt): "I'm not really sure...I've been having pain in my right leg (warning bell sounds even louder this time) for about 3 or 4 days and all of a sudden today I just couldn't breathe." Me: Are you on any sort of medications, over the counter, prescription, or herbal?" Pt: "I only take oral birth control pills(giant sirens screaming in my head)."

After this others started asking questions, listening to lung sounds, etc.... We were supposed to get a pretty good history, do a physical, etc. However, after seeing this a thousand times in the ER, this is the sequence of events in my head in about a 30 seconds.

Inside my head...."This lady just blew a PE (pulmonary embolus) because she's had a DVT in her right leg (Deep vein thrombosis) for the past few days. Her DVT was probably brought on by her oral contraceptives which would make her hypercoagulable. We need to get her to CT now and get a V/Q scan....We need to push thrombolytics ASAP to break that thing up or her O2 sats going to keep dropping like a rock! Get a real doctor in here!!"

Of course, we had to do other parts of the physical and history, and while a tiny part of my brain is exploding screaming all of this in my head of what we SHOULD be doing, we're asking useless questions about her family history, past medical history, and listening to bowel sounds!

This only served to remind me how much I actually love what I'm doing and how I can't wait to get back into an ER.

Thanks for indulging me in my weird little rant just now...I just wanted to share my excitement, even if no one else knew what I was talking about!

Oh yeah, and on a funny note, just to freak us out, our prof (voicing as the patient) asked us just before we left the patient in the room, "Am I gonna die??" Nice Dr. K, nice....

I'm a bad mom....

Honestly...how can you not love a face like this?? How can you even be mad at someone this cute? Well, evidently it's possibly if you're evil like me; I realized this morning that I'm a bad "mom" to our puppy Bentley.
Don't get me wrong. I absolutely, flat-out love this dog. I love coming home and seeing him, I miss him when I'm gone for a while, it's hard to study when he's around because all I want to do is play with him, etc. etc. etc.....
Well, all of that was not coming to mind this morning. Let me back up a little bit....ever since coming back from a week at my parents' house for Christmas, Bentley's developed the "fun" habit of waking up at 3 or so in the morning and barking until someone lets him out. Usually he has to go outside and all that, but when he comes in, all he wants to do is play.
I don't know about you, but I'm not much for "play" at 3 in the morning, especially when my alarm's going to be going off in a few short hours.
This morning, the barking started at 3:30 am and lasted until at least 6am (and beyond). Generally my brother takes care of him during the night if necessary, but since that boy can sleep through a stampede of elephants, he didn't hear him. I know that we're trying to break him of his fun new habit and that he didn't in fact need to go outside, so I thought it best to leave him down there, thinking he'd calm down....nope. So, needless to say I went to bed early last night with a headache, and with only getting a few hours of precious sleep, I was not too thrilled to hear the barking from downstairs for 2 1/2 hours this morning.
Unfortunately, I was cranky today at school, falling asleep in class, barely able to pay attention, and all the while feeling so guilty and like such a bad "mom" for even thinking these things about my adorable puppy. Sigh...I've got to get better at this patience thing.
I'm exhausted today, so hopefully I'll get a good night's sleep tonight.....

A quote from today...

"Time does heal all wounds, but there will always be scars."

Great, unexpected conversation with a friend today.... :)

Since MySpace and Facebook (I know, I'm 13 years old in my head...get over it!) are blocked at school for some unknown reason, a lot of times over lunch I'll just browse friends' blogs and then see who they have links to and see if there's anything that catches my eye. (This all of course being in the 15 minutes in which I scarf down my lunch before returning once again to studying! :) )

Today as I was surfing around I happened to be reading Corey Mann's blog and I read a post that he had on a book he just read (Soul Cravings by Erwin McManus).

Do you ever have those moments where you're just content, and happily breezing through a book, a webpage, a newspaper, whatever and all of a sudden, one line you read just makes you stop dead in your tracks? I had three of these while reading that blog. I'll share all two of them with you (some things are better kept personal! :) )

"We're all struggling to figure ourselves out. We're all afraid to expose our souls to those who might judge us, and at the same time, we desperately need help to guide us on this journey."

Even in writing this post, there's something I want to share, but partly because I haven't figured it all out in my head yet and mostly because I'm just too afraid of what others would think I'm not going to write it. I hate that there are so many times that I'm just scared of being brutally honest about myself to other people. It's not like it would be a shock to them that I have faults or that I'm not perfect (heck, I'm sure they could fill me in on lists of faults I have!). Sometimes though it seems easier to keep up this game I've been playing all my life. I learned it early...keep up appearances at all costs. It was never said, but to some extent, it doesn't matter on what's going on in the inside as long as you keep the outside all polished and shiny. While you should clean up what's going on on the inside, do it on your own. There are so many things in life that demand perfection, and this part of me is scared that if I start to let the cracks show, that the game will be up.

However, if I've learned anything from the THOUSANDS of mistakes I've made in the past year alone, I can't do this by myself. At one point or another, I've got to put myself out there and trust someone that they're going to be able to handle my junk because I've certainly proven that I can't handle it by myself. I've tried a million times to get past things that repeatedly trip me up in my life, and repeatedly I've stumbled over the same thing. There has to be a point where I give up trying to act like this perfect person that I'm most definitely not and just start being me. I'm broken, dirty, filled with faults, self-concious, and unsure, but at least being honest in all of that with the people I love is a place to start.

I know I have more thoughts on this, but that's enough for me to chew on for now.

The next one is a combination of two quotes:

"It's amazing how much we can endure when we are convinced there is a purpose to our struggle"

"Sometimes the only reason we keep going is that we don't want to stay where we are or go back to where we've been."

This completely defines how I feel about med school; anyone who's had more than one conversation with me probably knows that I'm completely nuts (in a lot of ways!) about what I'm doing. I'm warning you now, that if you get me started talking about medicine, my mind starts spinning in ways I didn't even know it could and the words just start coming out of my mouth like an avalanche....feel free to run if you want. I don't mind... :)

There is a lot that I've had to go through and that still is in front of me to go through because of what I want to do with my life. However, I know that there's a purpose in this. I feel like I've been picked for this field for whatever reason, and some days knowing that there is a purpose in what I'm doing and where I'm going is the only reason I can keep doing all of this. There are plenty of mornings that I really don't want to get up when my alarm clock goes off at 5:30, there are plenty of Friday nights and weekends that I'd really rather be doing anything else than studying, there are plenty of times that I'd love to stay just another week with my friends....but the reason I keep getting up, keep studying, keep coming back is the same....there's a purpose in me being here. There's something greater than I can even imagine for my life. If I get even the smallest chance to participate in something that God has for me, I've got to go all-out for it.
There's a part in the Bible where it talks about how our dreams don't even compare to the plans that God has for us. I'll admit that I've got some pretty crazy, out-there dreams for my life...the fact that those don't even hold a candle to what part of God's plan I get to participate in is amazing to me! It's what keeps me getting up in the morning.

At the same time, another reason I keep going is because I don't want to go back to where I've been. While I'm dreading the USMLE and COMLEX (step one of the boards) I'm so deleriously happy that I never again have to prep for or take the MCAT (admissions test). I'm thankful daily that I'm not a first year anymore, that I will NEVER EVER have to take neuro again, that I'll never have to have so many awkward and terrifying firsts that I've already experienced. I'm thankful for all God's brought me through. I know that there's more ahead, but I know that there's a purpose in it all, so I'll endure all that too.

Well, I've rambled on long enough...I've got more thoughts, but even more studying to do so I should go do that! Thanks for reading my thoughts! :)

Quotable

A lot of people who know me know that I love quotes. I love quotes that make me think, quotes that make me laugh, quotes that inspire me to do something, etc. There are so many quotes that touch my heart, but there are only a select few that are true "favorites" and have been so for a while.

Today after getting home from classes and debates (which, by the way went well; thanks for the prayers!) I was looking at some quotes I have written down to try to get some perspective on a few things. I stumbled across one of my all-time favorite quotes, and it made me think a little.

“This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force ,of nature instead of a feverish selfish clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work, the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no 'brief candle' to me. It is sort of a splendid torch which I have a hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it over to future generations.”--George Bernard Shaw

There's a lot of things going on in my life right now. If I listened to what my mind usually tells me, I could go on for pages complaining about boards, classes this semester, my future, relationships I have, situations I'm dealing with, etc. etc., etc..... A lot of this has been on my mind constantly for the past few months. However, when I read this quote, I was reminded of something.....The world is not about me! Not too profound, I know, but I don't want to be a "feverish clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making (me) happy." I didn't start down this path that I'm currently on, hoping it would lead to a life that was all about me. My original goal was to (as cheesy as it sounds) help others. My life doesn't belong to me. First and foremost, it belongs to God and whatever plans He has for it. In those plans, though, I know that my life is to be lived for other people. Even though I can't be out in the medical field just yet serving those who have my heart already, there's service I'm called to do right now.

I took a minute today at school, stopped thinking about my own problems and difficulties, and really looked at the people around me. What are the struggles going on in their life? How can I help them along in their day? What words can I say to encourage them? What small sacrifice would make some difference in their life? Why am I always so caught up in what's going on in my head, and never taking the time to stop and see what's going on with the hundreds of people that surround me?

I can't wait until I'm out of med school and serving (how my mind defines it) to start changing my heart. It's a fairly obvious thing, but I've got to start acting now like the person I want to be in the future.

Life is brief....it is that "torch I have for a moment". Before I pass it on, I want to do all that I possibly can with it. Wasting my time constantly preoccupied with my own concerns benefits no one. New year, new life....it's not about me....it's about being used for that "mighty" purpose.

A day in quotes

OK, I actually do have a few things of value to post about, but not enough time right now to take the time to sort it all out into comprehensible sentences. However, I don't want to leave my last, somewhat depressing post as the only thought for the day, so here's some random quotes from random people in my day....why...I have no clue. It just sounded good inside my head.

"I'm about to explode and spew molten crazy all over him!"

"Why don't I ever listen to me?"

"Well isn't that just the pickle on the giant crap sandwich that is my day."

Me: "I don't really like the kidney...I think I'm just going to choose not to treat it."
Matt: "Great...you can work at my clinic! Just make sure you don't chart anything!"

Me: "I just wasn't ready for break to be over yet."
Justin: "What did you say? I thought you said, I just wasn't ready to stop drinking yet."

"I know an osteopathic medical education is supposed to be well-rounded and teach you about the 'whole person', but really all it's doing is destroying my 'whole person'."
Matt: "Wow...that started out sounding really politically correct....on the bright side, you're well on your way to being a nice, bitter and cynical resident." :-)

"And how are you and your giant rock today?"

"Gunner...ka-pow!" (hehehee)

"It's going to be a long semester people."

"This time last year I was just finally figuring out what was going on....now I'm just burnt out."

"We have a pathology lecture titled 'Male' next week....I knew it! It is a disease!"

"You left yourself wide open on that one."

"It's all a bunch of pink and purple dots to me...."

"My weak points are mainly Biochem, Pharm, Micro, Immuno.....wait, that's half of the boards....crap."

OK, well, I've wasted enough time...I should get back to my debate info. I promise I'll write something more interesting (that might actually make a little sense) later!

Edit: *And a new one from last night talking with my brother.... Jamie:"There was this picture of the three of us, and I can't remember whether it was you or Kristen, but one of you had glasses that were so big, that your cheeks had 20/20 vision!"

This is all getting a little too real for me...

I just got my email from the NBOME (National Board of Osteopathic Medical Examiners) today telling me that I can register for step one of the boards now.....I knew this was coming, but it's getting a little more real (and terrifying!) every day!
I'll write more later, but for now it's off to micro lab....

Edit: *Just found out that to take both the USMLE (MD boards) and COMLEX (DO boards) which I'm planning on doing, it's going to cost me about $1,000 too! :-( So much fun for me....