You might work in the ER if....

Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you…

You believe a good tape job will fix anything...

You have the bladder capacity of five people...

You can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio...

Your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change...

You find humor in other people's stupidity...

You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac...

You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see...

You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance...

You automatically assume the patient is a drug seeker when presented with the complaint of migraine, lower back pain, chronic myalgia (choose one of the above), a list of numerous allergies to meds (except Demerol), and the statement that the family doctor is from out of town...

Your idea of comforting a child includes placing them in a papoose restraint...

You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA so you don't have to deal with them any longer...

You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a recognized diagnosis...

You have discovered a new condition that you call "hypo-xanax-emia"...

You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce...

You debate which is worse, spaghetti and meatballs or pizza and beer, while performing gastric lavage...

You plan your dinner break while lavaging an overdose patient...

You believe that "ask-a-nurse" is an evil plot thought up by Satan...

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if the phrase "wow, it's really quiet" is uttered...

You threaten to strangle anyone who even starts to say the "q" word when the ER is even remotely calm...

You refer to Friday as NH Dump Day and you don't mean New Hampshire...

Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers...

You believe chocolate is a food group...

You take it as a compliment when someone calls you dirty name...

You say to yourself "great veins" when looking at complete strangers...

You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the eternal care unit...

You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate...

You have ever referred to someone's death as a celestial transfer...

You refer to someone in severe respiratory distress as a "smurf"...

Your idea of a good time is dueling shock rooms...

You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide...Doing It Right"...

You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis...

You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably...

You have ever wanted to reply "yes" when someone calls and asks "Is my (husband, wife, mother, brother, friend, etc.) there?"...

You have ever referred to the E.R. Doc or triage nurse as a "shit magnet"...

Your favorite hallucinogenic is exhaustion...

You think that caffeine should be available in I.V. form...

You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience...

Your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?"...

You have witnessed the charge nurse muttering down the hallway "who's in charge of this mess anyway?"...

You refer to vegetables and are not talking about a food group...

You have ever used the phrase "health care reform" to instill fear into your co-workers' hearts...
You believe the waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain...

You play poker by betting ectopics on EKG strips...

You believe a "supreme being consult" is your patient’s only hope...

You want lab to order a "dumb shit profile"...

You are totally astounded when someone from a NH is understandable...

You have been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider radiation a form of birth control...

You believe your patient is demonically possessed...

You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there"...

You believe that waiting room time should be proportional to length of time from symptom onset ("you've had the pain for three weeks...well have a seat in the waiting room and we'll get to you in three days")...

You know the phone number to the local Detox Center by heart...

You have ever had a patient say, "but I'm not pregnant; I can't be pregnant; How can I be having a baby"...

You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered some food...

You carry your own set of keys to the "leathers"...

Your idea of gambling is an ETOH level pool instead of a football pool...

Your bladder expands to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank...

Your feet are slightly flatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone's...

Your immune system is so well developed that it has been known to attack squirrels in the backyard...

You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants...

Your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat...

You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol...

Your idea of an x-ray prep is a second dose of Haldol...

Your idea of CT prep includes Norcuron and a vent...

You have recurring nightmares about being knocked to the floor and run over by a portable x-ray machine...

Your shoes have been seized and quarantined by either the Centers for Disease Control, OSHA, the EPA, or the Nuclear Regulatory Commission...

Your idea of thawing the holiday turkey consists of an IV and warmed saline (and if the holiday turkey you usually see has arms instead of wings and is sauced instead of basted)...

You have every referred to subcutaneous air as "Rice Krispies"...

You have thought OD instead of BBQ when asked to get the Charcoal...

You believe that a large part of your daily calorie requirement is provided by Tylenol, Advil, or Excedrin...

When checking the level of orientation of patient, you aren't sure of the correct answer...

You always try to schedule days off around phases of the moon...

You think that Prom tickets should have coupons good for one free gastric lavage (especially whenever presented in conjunction with treatment for motor vehicle trauma)...

Your alcoholically challenged patients know you by your first name, and can point to "their room"...

If the hems in your scrub pants are held in with either 3-0 chromic or steristrips...

You've struggled to come up with reimbursable discharge diagnoses such as: acute ambulatory dysfunction, impending asthma attack, constipation (or diarrhea) - resolved, or foreign body in (Fill in the blank) by history...

You've ever hung a "banana bag", "yellow jello", or a "rally pack" for an etohlic...

You've muttered "AMF YoYo" when an obnoxious patient finally leaves AMA (adios my friend - and there is an X rated version to the MF, but you're on you're own for that one)...

You believe things would go much quicker if everyone would just get a head CT, Roc and Doxy, narcan, D50, ativan, and a loading dose of Dilantin at the ED entrance...

You associate possible house paint colors with body secretions or functions such as: Bile yellow, venous blue, arterial red, puffer pink, mottled blue, hemocult brown, frothy sputum (also known as P. E.) pink, MRSA beige, etc….

You believe that the sight of a full moon can ruin a perfectly good day...

You find yourself avoiding an unhealthy looking "COPD"er in the grocery store in fear that he'll drop near you and you will have to do CPR on your day off...

Your family members have to have a fever of at least 105 or be missing a limb with active bleeding in order to receive your sympathy...

You've ever pretended to sneeze and at the same time thrown KY jelly on a fellow coworker’s sleeve in order to make them think that they got shot with a HOCKER...

You've ever held a 14 gauge needle over someone's vein and said, "Now there's going to be a little poke"...

You are the only one at the dinner table NOT allowed to talk about your day at work...

You've ever sworn that you were going to have "NO CODE" tatooed on you chest (or if you already have it tattooed)...

You have ever tried to hang a "Closed" sign on the ER doors after 0200...

You have ever wanted to print your Discharge Instructions in Comic Book form...

You recognize the Primary Care Physician for your patients as Dr. Knownee (often spelled None)...

You have served plenty of GI Cocktails but have never been a bartender...

Your idea of a "Shamrock Shake" has Donnatol and Mylanta in it and doesn't come from McDonalds...

You automatically request a Blood alcohol level on any MVA after midnight...

You've ever had to restrain a parent (or significant other) so you could do your job...

Your motto is "if its wet, sticky, and not yours, don't mess with it!"...

You have ever had to remind yourself that you can't cure stupidity...

You automatically multiply by three the answer to the question "how many drinks did you have today?"...

You get very, very scared when a child is "too" quiet...

You are convinced that the amount of complaining by a patient is inversely proportional to how sick they are...

You prefer "Code Blue" to "Code Brown"...

You circle the dates of full moons in red on the calendar...

You believe that there are some things that only a good autopsy can cure...

You think discussing dismemberment while eating chicken wings and drumsticks is normal dinner conversation...

You intentionally ignore obnoxious patients so they will sign out AMA...

You automatically assume that everyone that lists Toradol as an allergy is lying...

Your favorite drug for combative patients Vitamin H (Haldol)...

You assume every female between 6 and 106 is pregnant until proven otherwise...

You ever wanted to present the "poor-acting" award to a patient...

You feel you look at the world through a proctoscope...

You have ever placed a bet on the glucose / ETOH level of an unresponsive patient (winner is closest without going over)...

You have never been a bartender but know the ingredients to a "Coma Cocktail"...

You know the phone number of the coroner's office by heart... (Extra points awarded if you can identify them by voice or badge number)...

You plan your summer vacation by the location and reputation of the Trauma Centers...

Your definition of giving TLC in an ER is "Tube, Lavage, and Charcoal"...

You firmly believe that by the time the patient needs the bedpan, they've been here too long...

You have ever wanted to post a sign in triage saying, "If you are grouchy, irritable or just plain mean, there will be a $10 surcharge for putting up with you"...

You know the therapeutic advantages of a foley for an unruly patient...

You think "Weed and Feed" refers to IV antibiotics and a G-Tube...

Failure

Sometimes failure isn't the end of the story...

Great video!

Worry

"My God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus."Philippians 4:19

"In all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us."Romans 8:37

"If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you."John 15:7

"In that day you will not question Me about anything. Truly, truly, I say to you, if you ask the Father for anything in My name, He will give it to you. Until now you have asked for nothing in My name; ask and you will receive, so that your joy may be made full."John 16:23-24

"All things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive."Matthew 21:22

"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen."Ephesians 3:20-21

"God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed."2 Corinthians 9:8

"Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden, the God who is our salvation."Psalm 68:19

God promises to provide for us over and over throughout the Bible. Sometimes I need that reminder.

ER TIp of the Day #8

"If you're a 50+ year old chain-smoking alcoholic who probably hasn't showered since the Nixon administration, calling your ER doc/med student/anyone in the ER a 'sweet little thing' is NOT a compliment. Please try to control your creepiness."

ER Tip of the Day #7

"When your ER doctor tells you that he cannot write your prescription for 90 percocet and 120 oxycontin today, please try to control yourself. Also, throwing a shoe at him is NOT an effective way of convincing him to write that prescription."

ER Tip of the Day #6

This Tip of the Day is to show that none of us are immune to our own stupidity. :)

"When riding in an ambulance (say for an EMS ambulance ride-along as a med student) it's best not to stand in the back, hanging on to only the ceiling rails. Your legs will look like you've been in a gang fight by the time you're done. Trust me...it's not attractive."

You're gonna miss this...

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I want out of my life. This means I've been doing a lot of thinking about the future. I have so many plans, dreams, and things I see in my future. When it comes down to it I really have no idea how things are going to pan out. I've had so many plans all along the way up until now, but when it comes down to it, things never always work out exactly according to plan. Little changes are made here and there, but in the end, everything always works out better than I could have hoped.

The other day I was driving home from another long day at the hospital and I was thinking again about what I wanted in my life, both the near and distant future. While I was driving I heard this song on the radio by Trace Adkins. I know not all of you are country fans, but I thought the chorus was great and really made me focus on what was important. While it's good and necessary to plan for the future, I've also got to be content with my present. I've got so many amazing things happening right at this moment in my life. If I get to focused on what's down the road, I'm going to miss so many amazing things that are all around where I'm standing right now. It was a good kind of reality check.... :) The chorus to the song "You're gonna miss this" are below...enjoy!


"You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this"

Whenever you're tempted to live in the future and try to plan everything out...just remember, there are good things all around you right now. Don't miss the present because you're too wrapped up in tomorrow.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."--Matthew 6:24

ER Tip of the Day #5

I've been a little behind in my helpful hints for the past few days, so hopefully I'll get caught up with them over the next few days. So, without further explanation I give you Tip #5

Alright, people...I thought after the first "Tip of the Day" this was fairly self-explanatory, but after my interactions with patients in the past few weeks, I have discovered that I need to reiterate the importance of the following Tip of the Day... please forgive the repetition.

"If your girlfriend/significant other is disgruntled, upset, or otherwise not so happy with you, it is best to remove ALL sharp objects including kitchen knifes, potato peelers, and any other potential weapon from your house. If not, you too could end up with a ruptured tendon, extensive bleeding, and a fun overnight in the county jail. You have been warned TWICE now....it's no longer my fault if you end up in the ER with a chief complaint of 'girlfriend stabbed in hand.'" :-)

ER Tip of the Day #4

"When asked by your doctor if you use any 'street or recreational drugs including cocaine, heroin, or marijuana' the correct response is NOT 'Yeah, I've got a bag right here.' A simple 'yes' would work..." :)

Pardon My Dust

Pardon my dust,
excuse the mess
we're making somethin' new out of all of this
I'm saying my prayers, and I'm trying to change
so give me some time, 'cause I'm still finding my way

Why are you lookin' at me this way?
pointing your finger, shakin' your head
how 'bout some love along the way, instead

Pardon my dust,
excuse this mess
I've left a trail of debris, so you've gotta be very careful where you step
I've made some mistakes, so what?
Done quite a few things wrong
Could you roll up your tidy sleeves and help a brother along?

(Chorus) Pardon my dust,
excuse the mess
Please don't be another judge I need to try to impress
Stop calling me names,
stop casting your stones
let the good Lord sort this all out when we are all at home
Pardon my dust,
excuse my mess
help me believe there's gonna be something beautiful on the other side of this
have patience with me,
I'm still sweeping floors
so pardon my dust, I'll pardon yours

--Chris Rice

ER Tip of the Day #3

"Running from the police is NEVER a good idea. It will end badly for you."

ER Tip of the Day #2

"If you know the technical name, dosage, route of administration, and timing of your pain medication and are 'allergic' to all pain medications except Percocet, Dilaudid, and Oxycontin.....your ER doctor just might think you've done this a few times." :-)