Confessions of an adrenaline junkie...

OK, before I even start this post, I'm going to warn you that it's going to contain A LOT of "medical-ese" as I like to call it. Basically, I'm going to start speaking the great foreign language known as hospital-talk and I'm not going to take the time to explain it because I'm sure most of you just don't care. I think you'll get the point of the story anyway.

I'll admit, today I was just plain in a bad mood. I hadn't woken up all that great (see previous post), and I was tired, had a headache, dizzy, shaky, nauseated, etc. etc. etc....So much so that I snapped a little at Matt today (who is the sweetest) and then had to apologize repeatedly for the rest of the day because I felt so badly!

It was a long morning of lectures and finding out more bad news about our schedule, none of which was helping to improve my mood. I was trying hard, but feeling worse by the hour, and just wanting to go home.

Well, I didn't have the option of going home today because this afternoon we had patient simulators. Usually I like getting to work on the simulators, but because of some communication problems and just generally not feeling well, I just wanted to go home. I'm glad they're not optional because I had a much needed, "this is why I'm here!" moment today.

Before I headed over to my time at the simulator, Matt worked on me a little bit and helped to rid most of the headache I've been fighting for about a week and a half now. That immediately helped me to focus more which was great. Basically, in the simulators today, we went in in groups of about 5 and had to interview and do a physical exam on two of the simulators.

Now the interview is a little weird with the simulators, because you're basically talking to a doll; a very high-tech doll that costs more than I do (wait that came out REALLY wrong...) but a doll nonetheless. There's a prof on the other side of a mirror/window thing that voices the simulator, but still they lay there...(although they do breathe, the chest moves, you can hear lung sounds, heart sounds, feel pulses, etc....pretty cool!)

The first one was pretty low key; she was having an arrhythmia problem but it was due to hypokalemia (low potassium) due to vomiting and probable peptic ulcer (at least that's the best we could figure)...nothing too urgent (well, if it was a real patient it would be, but she wasn't like coding at that moment before our eyes).

The next patient was a different story....this is where I got excited. We walked in and immediately you could hear the monitors going off with all sorts of bells and alarms. I was immediately perked up, due to the couple of years I spent in the ER. I quickly checked out the monitor, and got a little more excited (not in a happy sort of a way, but in a "Oh crap, those numbers can't mean anything good" sort of way). I introduced myself to the patient (which is weird introducing yourself to a doll) and started asking questions.

The history went a little like this (this is the short version)....(imagine all this interspaced with quick difficult breaths)..."I started having difficulty breathing and pressure in my chest all of a sudden (warning bell sounds in my head) about 30 minutes ago." Me: What brought this on? Patient (Pt): "I'm not really sure...I've been having pain in my right leg (warning bell sounds even louder this time) for about 3 or 4 days and all of a sudden today I just couldn't breathe." Me: Are you on any sort of medications, over the counter, prescription, or herbal?" Pt: "I only take oral birth control pills(giant sirens screaming in my head)."

After this others started asking questions, listening to lung sounds, etc.... We were supposed to get a pretty good history, do a physical, etc. However, after seeing this a thousand times in the ER, this is the sequence of events in my head in about a 30 seconds.

Inside my head...."This lady just blew a PE (pulmonary embolus) because she's had a DVT in her right leg (Deep vein thrombosis) for the past few days. Her DVT was probably brought on by her oral contraceptives which would make her hypercoagulable. We need to get her to CT now and get a V/Q scan....We need to push thrombolytics ASAP to break that thing up or her O2 sats going to keep dropping like a rock! Get a real doctor in here!!"

Of course, we had to do other parts of the physical and history, and while a tiny part of my brain is exploding screaming all of this in my head of what we SHOULD be doing, we're asking useless questions about her family history, past medical history, and listening to bowel sounds!

This only served to remind me how much I actually love what I'm doing and how I can't wait to get back into an ER.

Thanks for indulging me in my weird little rant just now...I just wanted to share my excitement, even if no one else knew what I was talking about!

Oh yeah, and on a funny note, just to freak us out, our prof (voicing as the patient) asked us just before we left the patient in the room, "Am I gonna die??" Nice Dr. K, nice....

I'm a bad mom....

Honestly...how can you not love a face like this?? How can you even be mad at someone this cute? Well, evidently it's possibly if you're evil like me; I realized this morning that I'm a bad "mom" to our puppy Bentley.
Don't get me wrong. I absolutely, flat-out love this dog. I love coming home and seeing him, I miss him when I'm gone for a while, it's hard to study when he's around because all I want to do is play with him, etc. etc. etc.....
Well, all of that was not coming to mind this morning. Let me back up a little bit....ever since coming back from a week at my parents' house for Christmas, Bentley's developed the "fun" habit of waking up at 3 or so in the morning and barking until someone lets him out. Usually he has to go outside and all that, but when he comes in, all he wants to do is play.
I don't know about you, but I'm not much for "play" at 3 in the morning, especially when my alarm's going to be going off in a few short hours.
This morning, the barking started at 3:30 am and lasted until at least 6am (and beyond). Generally my brother takes care of him during the night if necessary, but since that boy can sleep through a stampede of elephants, he didn't hear him. I know that we're trying to break him of his fun new habit and that he didn't in fact need to go outside, so I thought it best to leave him down there, thinking he'd calm down....nope. So, needless to say I went to bed early last night with a headache, and with only getting a few hours of precious sleep, I was not too thrilled to hear the barking from downstairs for 2 1/2 hours this morning.
Unfortunately, I was cranky today at school, falling asleep in class, barely able to pay attention, and all the while feeling so guilty and like such a bad "mom" for even thinking these things about my adorable puppy. Sigh...I've got to get better at this patience thing.
I'm exhausted today, so hopefully I'll get a good night's sleep tonight.....

A quote from today...

"Time does heal all wounds, but there will always be scars."

Great, unexpected conversation with a friend today.... :)

Since MySpace and Facebook (I know, I'm 13 years old in my head...get over it!) are blocked at school for some unknown reason, a lot of times over lunch I'll just browse friends' blogs and then see who they have links to and see if there's anything that catches my eye. (This all of course being in the 15 minutes in which I scarf down my lunch before returning once again to studying! :) )

Today as I was surfing around I happened to be reading Corey Mann's blog and I read a post that he had on a book he just read (Soul Cravings by Erwin McManus).

Do you ever have those moments where you're just content, and happily breezing through a book, a webpage, a newspaper, whatever and all of a sudden, one line you read just makes you stop dead in your tracks? I had three of these while reading that blog. I'll share all two of them with you (some things are better kept personal! :) )

"We're all struggling to figure ourselves out. We're all afraid to expose our souls to those who might judge us, and at the same time, we desperately need help to guide us on this journey."

Even in writing this post, there's something I want to share, but partly because I haven't figured it all out in my head yet and mostly because I'm just too afraid of what others would think I'm not going to write it. I hate that there are so many times that I'm just scared of being brutally honest about myself to other people. It's not like it would be a shock to them that I have faults or that I'm not perfect (heck, I'm sure they could fill me in on lists of faults I have!). Sometimes though it seems easier to keep up this game I've been playing all my life. I learned it early...keep up appearances at all costs. It was never said, but to some extent, it doesn't matter on what's going on in the inside as long as you keep the outside all polished and shiny. While you should clean up what's going on on the inside, do it on your own. There are so many things in life that demand perfection, and this part of me is scared that if I start to let the cracks show, that the game will be up.

However, if I've learned anything from the THOUSANDS of mistakes I've made in the past year alone, I can't do this by myself. At one point or another, I've got to put myself out there and trust someone that they're going to be able to handle my junk because I've certainly proven that I can't handle it by myself. I've tried a million times to get past things that repeatedly trip me up in my life, and repeatedly I've stumbled over the same thing. There has to be a point where I give up trying to act like this perfect person that I'm most definitely not and just start being me. I'm broken, dirty, filled with faults, self-concious, and unsure, but at least being honest in all of that with the people I love is a place to start.

I know I have more thoughts on this, but that's enough for me to chew on for now.

The next one is a combination of two quotes:

"It's amazing how much we can endure when we are convinced there is a purpose to our struggle"

"Sometimes the only reason we keep going is that we don't want to stay where we are or go back to where we've been."

This completely defines how I feel about med school; anyone who's had more than one conversation with me probably knows that I'm completely nuts (in a lot of ways!) about what I'm doing. I'm warning you now, that if you get me started talking about medicine, my mind starts spinning in ways I didn't even know it could and the words just start coming out of my mouth like an avalanche....feel free to run if you want. I don't mind... :)

There is a lot that I've had to go through and that still is in front of me to go through because of what I want to do with my life. However, I know that there's a purpose in this. I feel like I've been picked for this field for whatever reason, and some days knowing that there is a purpose in what I'm doing and where I'm going is the only reason I can keep doing all of this. There are plenty of mornings that I really don't want to get up when my alarm clock goes off at 5:30, there are plenty of Friday nights and weekends that I'd really rather be doing anything else than studying, there are plenty of times that I'd love to stay just another week with my friends....but the reason I keep getting up, keep studying, keep coming back is the same....there's a purpose in me being here. There's something greater than I can even imagine for my life. If I get even the smallest chance to participate in something that God has for me, I've got to go all-out for it.
There's a part in the Bible where it talks about how our dreams don't even compare to the plans that God has for us. I'll admit that I've got some pretty crazy, out-there dreams for my life...the fact that those don't even hold a candle to what part of God's plan I get to participate in is amazing to me! It's what keeps me getting up in the morning.

At the same time, another reason I keep going is because I don't want to go back to where I've been. While I'm dreading the USMLE and COMLEX (step one of the boards) I'm so deleriously happy that I never again have to prep for or take the MCAT (admissions test). I'm thankful daily that I'm not a first year anymore, that I will NEVER EVER have to take neuro again, that I'll never have to have so many awkward and terrifying firsts that I've already experienced. I'm thankful for all God's brought me through. I know that there's more ahead, but I know that there's a purpose in it all, so I'll endure all that too.

Well, I've rambled on long enough...I've got more thoughts, but even more studying to do so I should go do that! Thanks for reading my thoughts! :)

Quotable

A lot of people who know me know that I love quotes. I love quotes that make me think, quotes that make me laugh, quotes that inspire me to do something, etc. There are so many quotes that touch my heart, but there are only a select few that are true "favorites" and have been so for a while.

Today after getting home from classes and debates (which, by the way went well; thanks for the prayers!) I was looking at some quotes I have written down to try to get some perspective on a few things. I stumbled across one of my all-time favorite quotes, and it made me think a little.

“This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force ,of nature instead of a feverish selfish clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work, the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no 'brief candle' to me. It is sort of a splendid torch which I have a hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it over to future generations.”--George Bernard Shaw

There's a lot of things going on in my life right now. If I listened to what my mind usually tells me, I could go on for pages complaining about boards, classes this semester, my future, relationships I have, situations I'm dealing with, etc. etc., etc..... A lot of this has been on my mind constantly for the past few months. However, when I read this quote, I was reminded of something.....The world is not about me! Not too profound, I know, but I don't want to be a "feverish clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making (me) happy." I didn't start down this path that I'm currently on, hoping it would lead to a life that was all about me. My original goal was to (as cheesy as it sounds) help others. My life doesn't belong to me. First and foremost, it belongs to God and whatever plans He has for it. In those plans, though, I know that my life is to be lived for other people. Even though I can't be out in the medical field just yet serving those who have my heart already, there's service I'm called to do right now.

I took a minute today at school, stopped thinking about my own problems and difficulties, and really looked at the people around me. What are the struggles going on in their life? How can I help them along in their day? What words can I say to encourage them? What small sacrifice would make some difference in their life? Why am I always so caught up in what's going on in my head, and never taking the time to stop and see what's going on with the hundreds of people that surround me?

I can't wait until I'm out of med school and serving (how my mind defines it) to start changing my heart. It's a fairly obvious thing, but I've got to start acting now like the person I want to be in the future.

Life is brief....it is that "torch I have for a moment". Before I pass it on, I want to do all that I possibly can with it. Wasting my time constantly preoccupied with my own concerns benefits no one. New year, new life....it's not about me....it's about being used for that "mighty" purpose.

A day in quotes

OK, I actually do have a few things of value to post about, but not enough time right now to take the time to sort it all out into comprehensible sentences. However, I don't want to leave my last, somewhat depressing post as the only thought for the day, so here's some random quotes from random people in my day....why...I have no clue. It just sounded good inside my head.

"I'm about to explode and spew molten crazy all over him!"

"Why don't I ever listen to me?"

"Well isn't that just the pickle on the giant crap sandwich that is my day."

Me: "I don't really like the kidney...I think I'm just going to choose not to treat it."
Matt: "Great...you can work at my clinic! Just make sure you don't chart anything!"

Me: "I just wasn't ready for break to be over yet."
Justin: "What did you say? I thought you said, I just wasn't ready to stop drinking yet."

"I know an osteopathic medical education is supposed to be well-rounded and teach you about the 'whole person', but really all it's doing is destroying my 'whole person'."
Matt: "Wow...that started out sounding really politically correct....on the bright side, you're well on your way to being a nice, bitter and cynical resident." :-)

"And how are you and your giant rock today?"

"Gunner...ka-pow!" (hehehee)

"It's going to be a long semester people."

"This time last year I was just finally figuring out what was going on....now I'm just burnt out."

"We have a pathology lecture titled 'Male' next week....I knew it! It is a disease!"

"You left yourself wide open on that one."

"It's all a bunch of pink and purple dots to me...."

"My weak points are mainly Biochem, Pharm, Micro, Immuno.....wait, that's half of the boards....crap."

OK, well, I've wasted enough time...I should get back to my debate info. I promise I'll write something more interesting (that might actually make a little sense) later!

Edit: *And a new one from last night talking with my brother.... Jamie:"There was this picture of the three of us, and I can't remember whether it was you or Kristen, but one of you had glasses that were so big, that your cheeks had 20/20 vision!"

This is all getting a little too real for me...

I just got my email from the NBOME (National Board of Osteopathic Medical Examiners) today telling me that I can register for step one of the boards now.....I knew this was coming, but it's getting a little more real (and terrifying!) every day!
I'll write more later, but for now it's off to micro lab....

Edit: *Just found out that to take both the USMLE (MD boards) and COMLEX (DO boards) which I'm planning on doing, it's going to cost me about $1,000 too! :-( So much fun for me....